Love is blind. What does it mean? It means we love someone without any valid reasons. We fall in love with someone and we do not know the reason why we have fallen in love with him or her. Most people forget that the one that put the love towards him or her in our heart is none other than the Creator of men. There is no one that can grant love other than Allah. Allah is the one who places love towards someone in our heart beyond our control. We can neither increase nor decrease the amount of love towards someone in our heart except with the permission of Allah. Allah places love into the heart of all mothers towards their children. Allah uses love as a means to protect and to nourish the young helpless children. A mother can endure many nights without sleep, to feed and to tend to her crying child because Allah has instilled love towards that child inside her heart. No one can instil that love except Allah. When Allah plants love inside our heart towards someone we will not be able to find the reasons, why we have loved that person. We can neither love nor not to love someone with our own choice. We simply do not have the choice. When Allah has planted love towards someone in our heart, we have no choice but to love that person. Allah instils in our heart love towards someone as a test for us. We are also tested in the same manner when Allah gives us wealth and power. Allah is testing us so that we can gauge our level of faith (iman). We will know that our ‘iman’ is weak when we transgress the Allah’s orders.
One of the important attributes that Allah use to test us is love. As an example, Allah made a married man and a married woman to fall in love with each other. In this situation both the man and the woman are being tested by Allah. Allah is testing both of them by making them to fall in love with each other. If both of them have strong ‘iman’, they will not transgress the orders of Allah. There is nothing wrong to fall in love with each other, but what is wrong is to transgress the orders of Allah. In case both of them have weak ‘iman’, they will certainly transgress the orders of Allah by involving themselves in illicit sexual activities. We like to touch someone we love, and touching is the expression of our love towards that someone. It is hard to love someone and yet we cannot touch him or her. One of the ways to demonstrate our love for that someone is by kissing that person. Allah prohibits a man to kiss a woman who is not his ‘muhrim’ and vice versa. The act of a man kissing a woman who is not his ‘muhrim’ is a minor sin but it may lead to a major sins. Allah prohibits all actions that may lead to the performance of major sins. Once a man touches a woman by the lips it may lead him to touch all other parts of the woman’s body, including her private parts and may finally lead to both of them committing illicit sexual intercourse. When both of them transgress the orders of Allah, both of them have failed the test from Allah. Allah is the one who puts love towards the woman into the heart of the man and similarly Allah is the one that puts love towards the man into the heart of the woman and both are tested by Allah. When they first met, they may only like each other but as more contacts are made, it slowly turns into love towards each other. Allah does not prohibit us from loving each other. What Allah prohibits is for a man to touch a woman who is not his ‘muhrim’ even though he loves that woman as these actions may lead to the performance of major sins.
Will love lead to marriage? We may love someone but it is not necessary that we will end up marrying that person. Allah is the One that makes us fall in love with a person and Allah is the One who can will us to marry that person. None has the power to instil love towards a person into our heart except Allah and only Him can make us marry the person. By Allah’s will we may fall in love with someone. But love does not have the power to make us marry that person. Love is only the creation of Allah who has the power to plant it in our heart. None has the power to determine our marriage except by Allah. Allah can make us marry someone whom we do not love at all. Allah may or may not let us marry those whom we love. It is Allah and not love that will us to marry, and this is known as ‘jodoh’ in Malay. When we have no ‘jodoh’ with someone we will not be able to marry him or her. We may make all the efforts to marry our lover but if Allah does not allow us to marry that person, we will not be able to marry him or her. Many people are not aware of the fact that none can will us to marry someone except Allah. Love cannot make us to marry but Allah can. Allah can make us to marry someone that we do not love and someone that we love. A woman was saying to my friend that she will never, ever marry him because she does not love him. It is wrong to say that we will never ever marry someone that we do not love as love is not Allah. It is only Allah who has the power to make us marry. When we believe that love has the power to make us marry, we will become frustrated and sad when we cannot marry our beloved.
Many young women and men suffer from frustration and sadness because they cannot marry their lovers. Some of them even go to the extent of committing suicide. We became frustrated and desperate when we are unable to marry our lover because we believe that love has the power to make us marry that person. We should know that love and marriage are two different and unrelated things. We may fall in love with each other but we may not end up marrying each other. On the other hand we may get married to someone whom we do not love. We may love our husband but our husband may not love us and similarly we may love our wives but our wives may not love us. Marriage is only a contract between a woman and a man who are not necessarily in love with each other. When Allah has destined us to marry someone that we love or do not love, we have no choice but to marry that person. It is a success when we can marry the person that we love and it is not a failure when we have to marry the person that we do not love. Marriage is only a contract and when we fulfil the orders of Allah we will be successful. Our reason of marrying should be only because it is an order of Allah and our intention of marrying should be only to please Allah. We should not marry because we are in love and our intention of marrying should not be to please our partner. Love is a creation of Allah and it can come and go. When we marry because we are in love, our marriage will remain intact as long as we are in love with each other. When we found out that we are no longer in love with each other, our marriage will end up in divorce.
The only reason why we must marry is because it is Allah’s order and our intention of getting married is only to please Allah. We marry because we want to exhibits the orders of Allah. We do not have to be in love before we can get married. Marriage is an order of Allah and it is a contract between man and woman to live in accordance with the orders of Allah. It should not be the end of our life if we find out that our wives or husbands do not love us anymore. The prerequisite of marriage is not love, but ‘iman’. When married couples have iman, they will be able to obey all the orders of Allah relating to marriage. When there is obedience to Allah’s orders, He will bless our marriage with peace and happiness. When we get married because we are in love with each other, our marriage will last as long as we are in love. The moment we discover that the love between us is fading; we may also find that it is no longer worthwhile to continue with the marriage. Therefore, we must correct our intention in marrying our partners. We cannot be in love forever as love is a creation of Allah and Allah can put the love into our heart or take it out as He wills. Love is not God. Love is created by Allah. Love is the same as hatred. Allah is testing us with love and hatred. In all situations whether we are in love or not in love with our partner we have to continue marrying our partner. We should not choose divorce as the solution to our problems. As long as we obey the orders of Allah in whatever situation we are in, we are considered successful.
When our husband wants to take another wife, we should allow it because may be it is an order of Allah for our husband to have more than one wife. We should not go against the orders of Allah and we should not go against Allah. When we do not allow our husband to marry another woman when there is an order of Allah for him to do that, we are actually going against the order of Allah, Hence, we are going against Allah. Love is not the same as sexual needs. Our husband may have more sexual needs than other men and he may need to marry more than one wife. It does not mean that he no longer loves us. Love and sexual needs are two different things. A man can have sexual relationship even to a woman whom he does not love. Our husband may still love us but for his sexual needs he needs another wife. Many women will ask for a divorce when she discovers that her husband intends to marry another woman because she thinks that her husband does not love her any more. That is not true and even if her husband does not love her any more, she should not ask for a divorce. We do not need the love of our husband to be able to live happily and successful. The only love that we need in order to be able to live with happily and successfully is the love of Allah. If our husband wants to take another wife, we should not think that it is the end of our life. As long as we obey the orders of Allah as a wife to our husband we will be successful. The most important criteria for our husband to marry more than one wife is not the amount of wealth that he has but the amount of ‘iman’ .When our husbands have strong ‘iman’, they can marry more than one wife, because only those with strong ‘iman’ can obey the orders of Allah. Allah says in the Quran (approximate literal translation), “Marry one, two, three or four but if you fear injustice marry only one.” In order to do justice, a person needs to have strong ‘iman’ and so only man with strong ‘iman’ can take more than one wife. Because we neglect the factor of ‘iman’ in deciding whether a person is eligible to marry more than one wife, many polygamous marriages end up with failure. If we cannot be just to our wives, it is better to have just one wife. On the other hand, if we can be just to our wives, then to be polygamous is better than monogamous. Therefore, it is advisable for a man with strong ‘iman’, good character and sound Islamic knowledge to be polygamous.
Allah allows our Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. to marry as many ladies as he likes, and he ended up marrying eleven fortunate ladies. Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. did not get married because of love or because of sexual needs but because of the order of Allah and to please Allah. What is important is our love towards Allah. We may love other beings but our love towards them must not exceed our love for Allah. If we have to marry someone we do not love, do not be overly worried about it. It is not the end of our life. Love is only a bonus in marriage; it is not the prerequisite of marriage. The most important prerequisite for marriage is ‘iman’ and when we have ‘iman’ we can obey the orders of Allah and become successful. If we have love for each other and lacking in ‘iman’, we will not be able to introduce the orders of Allah in our marriage. As a result we will become failures. We should not be excessive in our wedding ceremony as some of our artists do. Marriage is an action or ‘amal’ and it is the same as the other actions or ‘amals’ ordered by Allah. By comparison the order of marriage is a lesser order than the actions or amals associated with the Five Pillars of Islam. Our wedding ceremony should be very simple and economical so that it will receive more blessing from Allah as opposed to the extravagant ones. If we want our marriage to be blessed by Allah, we should only marry because it is the order of Allah and to please Allah. A marriage that start with the correct intention will lasts a lifetime.
Prof Dr Nasoha Saabin
August 2011
Integrative Holistic Wellness Centre